Hot Wheels Lazy River

When I'm rich and eccentric,

I'm going to build a lazy river in my backyard. You know, the ones in the water parks that you can float down in an inner tube? They were my favorite part of going to water parks as a kid--fuck big-ass water slides. (To be fair, I also liked the wave pools, but they lacked some je ne sais quoi.)


So, I'm gonna have one all to myself. But since I have no liability to worry about, I'm going to treat it like a Hot Wheels track. My original idea was having it shaped like an infinity sign (or figure-8, if you're boring), but a friend suggested the classic hot wheels cloverleaf shape, which could include "boosters" underwater, like the real rivers.


Whatever shape I choose, there are gonna be intersections for tubes to crash in. Because it's water, there'll be rapids from two rivers colliding. What should I do to counteract the possibility of slowdown? Put big-ass boosters right before each intersection. That way, sheer inertia will keep my tubers on track. This will also make the collisions that much better. It'll be like Hot Wheels meets bumper boats.


For my mellow days, I'll devise some sort of system of metering (like on the freeway) so people can only enter the water at precise times. These will sync up to the intersections so no one will crash and my cloverleaf will be a splendid ballet of rocketing inner tube trains weaving in and out of each other but never crashing.


But Zach! I hear you cry. Couldn't someone slow himself down and disrupt the delicate timing? And to that I reply: well, sure. You can't win 'em all.