Bigass Gabled Awning

When I'm rich and eccentric,

I'm gonna have a huge fucking awning on the front of my house. Just like this.

I actually passed this building on my way back from Santa Rosa. It's a winery and hotel between Santa Rosa and Sonoma, and it's absolutely fucking ridiculous. I thought the slant of the roof was the best part of the building--it would be nowhere near as awesome as it is without that improbably steep roof.

And nothing says 'old money' like those hotel awnings that people pull through in front of the hotel and the valet grabs your car from you. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. You may even be cheap like me and not even park your car at the hotel or let the bellhops take your bags (because you don't want to have to tip them, and besides, you need the exercise), but you still feel classy pulling up under a huge fucking awning.

The higher the ceiling on the awning the better. You need at least twenty feet minimum above your head before the awning is even worth it. The steeper the roof, the better. Let's say 55-degree slant minimum. I might even put some gargoyles on it. There could be old-school torches on the walls by the door, and a big glass chandelier to light the part of the driveway and steps that's covered. And I'll have ivy climbing up the pillars, just for effect.

You can't buy that kind of class. Well, maybe you can. You definitely can.

So, no matter what kind of house I have, I'll have the architect slap a big fuck awning on the front. To be honest, I wouldn't even want to live in an old house like this. I really enjoy more modern stylings (for example) in a house. But I would feel so classy getting out of the back of a car under an awning like this. And all my party guests would feel the same way.